Profiling oneself for one's press pack

Lalalallalalalalalalalalalala.

Um.

"Martha is somewhat incapable of writing these profiles...

No

um

"Babylicious is the brainchild

what the hell is a 'brainchild'? I child made of brain? Or a child borne of your brain, so essentially also made of brain?

"Martha won't rest until the world's babies are dressed to kill in shades of pastel with cowboys on their chests".

I do quite like the mental imagery of rows and rows of babies, dressed to kill, carrying AK47s and machetes. Someone should give me a job in advertising NOW.

Clearly I suck at writing profiles of myself.

Ode to a comet (in a very modern way, with no rhyming couplets and a healthy dose of irreverence to the poetic model)

McNaught-y you vixen of the skies
For you I drove over to Wainuiomata
And almost got run off the road
By vans with tinted windows

I looked at the sky
And felt proud to recognise Venus
I was listening to a song in the weekend
That didn't rhyme Venus with 'penis'
And I thought "what a wasted opportunity" (because I was on my drive and blog-thinking)

I digress

Embarrassed I couldn't see a comet
I went to leave
And a nice young man
And an old lady asked if I'd seen any action

And I said no

And he told me to look low in the sky
When it was dark
This ode goes forever

Lo! Behold a light
In the south west
Rising above the hill

If I was a pagan type person I'd sacrifice Julio (my cat)
But I'm not
I listened with irritation to the man in front of me say it was a plane

A plane like that would take 7 years to get to Palmerston North

I couldn't see a tail on the comet
But my eyesight is poor
So I don't blame the comet

Then it was gone.

Amen.

harverynormanwatch.blogspot.com

I'm not actually going to start a Harvey Norman Watch blog, but someone should. And I'm not going to comment on the CYF watch blog, because I can't be arsed, and haven't really formulated an opinion (although obviously it completely sucks if people are going all vigilant-y on other people).

I just want to share another charming anecdote in the game of trying to find a decent electrical retailer.

So, we decided to investigate getting a Mac. We thought Harvey Norman would be a fair place to start because they have 36 months interest free credit, and that sort of deal makes a computer free (ish).

Martha: Why is your price $300 more than RRP?
Harvey Norman Salesperson: Because of the interest free deal.
M: So it isn't really interest free?
HNS: No, all the Harvey Norman stores agreed on this price so that we could offer interest free.
M: But it isn't interest free.
HNS: Nah, but we can give you a better cash price.
M: No thanks.

David Russell would be having a small seizure at this point.

So we went somewhere else. Somewhere more honest in their pricing, although to be fair to HNS, he was kind of stupidly honest.

Bloggy bloggy blog blog

The thing about blogging is that it gets in your brain, and sometimes you find that your every thought is how you would write it in your blog.

Today I drove up to Hawkes Bay to drop off the car, which I have sold. I was on my own, and frankly quite excited to be on the road. I had the fab cd Ms Ratpony made me, and the world was my oyster.

I cruised over the Rimutakas pretty easily. Driving over mountains is easier when you're not worried about making other people in the car sick. I was rocking the road. Then the inner blog-voice started.

"I descended the hill behind a van with curtains and a rear mirror, and queue of cars 20 long snailing behind".

"What was with Boy George? Did he sing anything apart from Karma Chameleon? What does it mean?".

"My jaw literally dropped open at the sight of the wind turbines on the hills near Pahiatua, crikey I thought, is that the first time my jaw has literally dropped? Possibly when you're driving alone you experience things like they read in books. I wonder if my heart will leap, or perhaps I'll freeze on the spot, and crash".

"Dude, the river where those Tui women were bathing at Mangatainoka is real".

"Prick in the One News car, should I dob them in for tailgating?".

"The perfect conclusion to the cd - We Built This City on Rock and Roll"

"Oh, hang on, that isn't the perfect end, THE FINAL COUNTDOWN IS THE PERFECT CONCLUSION". Fantastic driving cd, Sony or someone should employ MS Ratpony to make their compilations. (That by rights should have been in quotes too, because it is in fact a quote from my-inner-driving-blogging-voice).

"Sheep! No! White cows. What the hell kind of cow is white?" (that question is for Alan).

In the end I decided I should use the voice recorder on my phone, then I decided that would be insane, and nobody (especially myself) would want to hear the ramblings on a crazy lady driver.

And I got to Hawkes Bay in one piece, left the car at a friends', had a great lunch in her great cafe, and flew home next to an 18 year old hairdresser who wanted to become a flight attendent.

It was a very surreal day.

ps. I can't see the linky thing to linky to anything, and can't be arsed with typing in code. Ms Ratpony stars at www.ratpony.com, and the cafe is Bay Espresso, in case you were interested. In fact, did you make it to the bottom of this post? Well done! Have a jaffa.

Update, okay now links are added.

Plastic surgery

Hott
Originally uploaded by Wanda Harland.

In a never-ending attempt to try and improve myself, I went under the surgeon's knife.

The wallet surgeon.

I'm mac-ing it baby, oh yeah.

I've been working on getting the car into bed...

and voila!

Craft2.0

TheNewDowse is due to re-open on February 17th. There are exciting activities planned for the 4 weeks following, culminating in da da da dah! Craft2.0.

Craft2.0 is going to be on the 17th of March, and will be a craftacular, a spectacraft, if you will.

There will be bands, and a terrific array of local crafty goodies. I will be there with Babylicious, SuperVery will have fabulous jewellery, magnets and badges, tres talented Sam Broad will have some of his delicious prints and frames, and the original John Campbell t shirts by Hadyn will have a starring role. It is all dead exciting.

Applications are open now.

Weird

Laura has tagged me. I have to write 6 weird things about myself. Duff tagged me a while ago with a Christmas tag, so I'll do that one too. Maybe I'll go all 2006 on your arses and do a tag-mash-up. It will be exciting and totally new (ahem).

I just find it sounds a bit wacky to try and say how weird you are.

1. My result for the 8 tribes of NZ was North Shore. This means I'm an ambitious, shallow shopoholic, as far as I can tell - it is totally crap and embarrassing. I just think to reveal my true intellectual self, I would have had to tick the box that said "I enjoy stimulating intellectual debate", and while obviously I adore intellectual debate, at the moment I prefer to talk about my new car (which I got for Christmas, for myself, but now I've mashed in the Christmas tag - nice!)

2. If someone should happen to squeeze one of my finger nails, I have to squeeze all the others to even things up.

3. I'm perfect, so I'm finding this weirdness tag somewhat of a challenge.

4. My friend Megan and I met Jamie Oliver, we got our picture taken and everything. I got a Jamie Oliver Cookbook for Christmas (mash).

5. I can cook pretty well, but I can't make nougat.

6. I washed the car again today. I've washed it 5 times since we got it a month ago. My pre-new-car self would have thought this is weird, now I'm just trying to work out how I could fit the car into my bed.

Thank Santa that is over.

I tag Rhiannon and Sue and Emily and Duff (ha! tagged back) and Kate and the lovely Oy Vey, who had a birthday and I didn't know and owe a big trans-international love-up/rub up/Hannukah mash up.

Because I seem to be intent on annihilating any good image I may have generated for myself

The 1980s. The halcyon days.

MC Hammer pants, power suits, shoulder pads, Commando Ms, Karate shoes, coral earrings...

Sadly it wasn't all glamourous.

Sometimes it was about having your sleeves pushed up just the right amount, and then having your bangle pushed up just the right amount, and having your permed hair just frizzing the right amount, and showing just the right amount of leg above your jazzercise boots, and wearing shirts buttoned right up under fisherman's jerseys, and all about the acid/stone/blizzard wash on your jeans.

I was trying to look like Chelsea Redfern, but seem to have managed to pull of a unique tyre-shop-receptionist-in-a-small-suburb quite nicely.

I was wearing shoulder pads.

I was 14 when this picture was taken, and wearing my most awesome outfit. I hope you can find something as majestic.

I hereby challenge you all (ALL) to unveil yourself in your glorious 80s garb.

Be a mind sticker

A mantra to live by.

Shamelessly pilfered from Spare Room.

Me and Britney

Out for a walk this morning, I realised with a shock how almost identical Britney and I are.

Regard the evidence:

We sang 'My Perogative'.
We dressed once as saucy, space vixens.
(I could only find a pic of Brit in red on the Camel Toe website)
We have ex-boyfriends, who had older girlfriends, and then they broke up.
We got married in Las Vegas.
We have 2 boy children.
We both vied with Christina and Jessica for the limelight.
We both got 'tired' in clubs/pubs and had to be carried out.
We share the same amount of letters in our first name - Britney and Marthaj (the 'j' is silent)
We both receive mixed reviews for our singing.

I'm kind of shocked, and don't know where to take it from here. I imagine the Press will be stunned with these revelations.

Ciao Star Trek Martha

Since I've changed my profile pic to 21 year old Martha (how those 3 years have flown) dressed in rockin Star Trek gears, my readership has increased by 50%.

Also, the fact I seem to be ranking first for when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie seems to have had its benefits also, long may it last.

I can't handle all this attention, being the retiring wallflower type person I am, so I'm going to change my profile pic to something hott. I want more hits for 'sexy feets' than for frickin Dean Martin.

Silence is golden

Not doin' so good with the writing with the machine thing this week.

I can explain it though, summer is finally here - hail Xenu! In fact it seems that Wellington has gone all sub-tropical on us, and is giving us humid days and rainy nights. No complaints here, that is the very formula that ensures pleasant days and green lawns. Is that actually tropical? Bah, everyone loves weather talk.

In celebration of this fine feat, yesterday I supped liquid refreshments on the deck with Ms SuperVery. Today I entertained with Nigella's Watermelon Daiquiris. Hello! Pink drink! Very yummy, and classy enough for any lady who lunches (in the Hutt).

Flowers and Trees

The Bats are rocking it on Myspace with the fantastic Flowers and Trees video starring on the front page. Of course, you can just watch it here. It rocks.

Shirt biz

I've just ordered 2000 shirts. I'm a little freaked out by it. My business was very small, and I was kind of buy 70 at a time, but the time has come to get a bit serious. I've even got a bit of an unwritten PR plan loitering around in my head.

Not to mention a 'work car' which looks almost exactly like my dream car.

Bloggies

It is the last day to vote for the Bloggies this year!

Go on, be good sports.

May I recommend The Wellingtonista, Public Address, Red Red Whine (for the US), Urban Chick (for the British) or Vicus (if you're into grumpy old buggers), Tiny Happy (crafty goodness), MEMEMEMEMME (of course I'm going to recommend me), um all the peeps from the Wellingtonista (Noizy won one, clever eh?), Spectacles (for her fabulous photos), and everyone on my links list, because I think they all rock and are actually a lot more deserving of nominations than me, but fortunately you can vote several times in each category.

MacBook

Because the desire to shop never ceases, and my laptop is clearly dying a slow death, I'm back to Apple dreaming.

The MacBooks look luverly. What I can't understand is why they cost $700 more in NZ than in America? I understand a small mark-up, but that is almost 50% more.

I know we live in the wops, but if they can sell bananas for 99cents a kilo, surely they could ship computers here for less than $700.

And if you're going to the States, could you pick one up for me please?

Worms

They're trying to take sashimi from us!

I think it has worked, I'm sufficiently grossed out.

Nominal tattoo

I can't find a good design to get tattooed on myself. I'm old enough to know that it isn't going to ruin my job prospects, nor shock anyone of a sensitive disposition, so I'm not concerned about that. I just can't find a picture I like enough.

I thought I'd change my nameinstead. Not get rid of it, but add to it a little. I haven't got a middle name, so there is plenty of space to do it. And what better name than Wanda Harland? It is after all my porn name, so super glamorous and all that.

Except I was signing some legal documents for my lovely neighbours yesterday, and god, what a pain a long name would be. You'd be having to write it all over the show, and there wouldn't be much point in having one if you didn't come up with a snazzy new signature... and then you'd have to change all your cards and passport and...

Now I need a lie down. It is too exhausting thinking about it.

Summer in Wellington

Trust me, they're not carrying the umbrella to keep the sun off their delicate skin.

And still the lawn manages to look like that.

Bypass my...word that is quick

I know I'm supposed to hate the bypass for ruining Wellington's character and alienating the poor folks of Aro Valley and causing cool Bodega to be replaced with city-Bodega...

But, it is so quick! To spin around the basin and be on the motorway is very fast.

So I'm finding it a little hard to hate the bypass as of today.

Uh oh

I almost bought a new house today.

Well, I emailed a real estate agent to find the price of a pretty house I saw. She called me shortly after, told me the house is going for about $1.8m.

Now, how does one save face in such situations?

Basically you've been caught being a) too stupid to realise that nice houses with swimming pools are really, really expensive, or b) bloody nosey.

I'm not sure which I am. I was vaguely hoping to hear that nobody else had discovered that area yet, and that most people couldn't be bothered vaccuuming 5 bedrooms or cleaning a pool, so in fact it would cost about the same as a loaf of bread.

Worse still, she probed me for what I was interested in. So I'm trying to maintain this air of being really filthy rich, but also not really interested in seeing the house in Lowry Bay, because, you know, I'd much rather have a caravan in the hills and all that.

I just can't cope with real estate agents.

The Italian Job

We finally watched the Italian Job last night (the original), while drinking limoncello and eating Italian chocolate.

I'm really, really keen to take the Mini down some steps now. Incidentally, the Mini dealership refers to Minis as MINIs, I have no idea if that is an acronym or what - Martha Is Nice Innit. I'm not going to stop talking about the car for approximately 6 months - consider yourself warned.

And who knew Michael Caine looked like Jude Law when he was young? I love Michael Caine, and it kind of explains his success, because that voice of his is unique.

Baby baby

Here is my new wagon.

Classic self-timer pic. Doesn't my pose look a little bit gangsta?

It was 8 years ago today...

...and we slept almost all day.

We were in Las Vegas, baby. Our darling friends Audrey and Ben had flown in the day before, and we had set to drinking with an enthusiasm that even Vegas wasn't ready for. Certainly Vegas wasn't ready 4 days after New Year, on a Monday, in the middle of winter.

The 5th of January was pegged as the day we'd get hitched. At 5pm we were still feeling too poorly to get out of bed, and hadn't done any of the finding-a-chapel sort of activity we had planned. We decided to let our fingers do the walking, and booked from an ad in the Yellow Pages.

If a chapel is good enough for Bon Jovi, it sure as hell is good enough for me.

We crawled to Circus Circus for the famous buffet dinner. It was terrible, in a way that you couldn't even imagine with a buffet. The Cat Circus and the revolving Merry-Go-Round Bar (as seen in Fear and Loathing) made up for it.

Glen and I headed back the hotel to get ready, and Ben and Audrey stayed out.

We're simple folk, so it took about 7 minutes to get ready, and we headed in a taxi to the Nevada County Offices to get our marriage licence - they're very civilised and stay open until midnight during the week - and then grabbed another taxi and hooned to The Silver Bell Wedding Chapel, and waited... Ben and Org had become waylaid by some beer or something. They weren't far away though, and the Rev George L Cotton showed up and things got under way.

It was very surreal. Part of the 'package wedding' was a video and photos, and I still find the video too cringe-worthy to watch.

After the 'ceremony' we took a ride in a limo. We were gradually regaining our drinking mojo at this stage, and after being talked at by the limo driver for an hour, we were relieved to be dropped at our hotel (New York New York - we figured we may as well see another city while in Vegas). We sat at the bar for the rest of the night watching men pick up hookers at the bar. We had some breakfast at 6 and went to bed. Ben and Audrey had to leave on a plane at 9am, and I felt very sorry for them indeed.

We continued onto Europe and Japan.

Eight years later I'm still pretty certain we had the best wedding ever.

LCD

I'm staying at my parent's house while the ceiling at home gets plastered.

Quite enjoying the new LCD telly, but it still only seems to have Coro on it. LCD doesn't seem to improve Coro at all.

Now I've just alienated half my readership. Yeah, I'm sure Coro rocks, or as I'm reliably informed Corrie rocks.

Please still vote for me for the Bloggies. It will make you come back in your next life as Beyonce. Promise.

A fiendish idea

Mike has planted a seed. In fact, I suspect Mike has planted several seeds, but let us focus on this one.

I wanna go to Texas! Now that the seed is planted I REALLY want to go to Texas. I want to wear Daisy Dukes and a hat and go cattle rustlin' or somethin'. Perhaps I could meet a gay cowboy who looks like Jake Gyllanhal (or Heath Ledger if push came to shove), and they would realise they weren't gay after all and fall in love with me. It would be as disastrous as gay love in the desert, because I'm a happily married woman, but nobody would see fit to kill them.

And in a curly-wurly longwinded way, this brings me to this.

Nominate me for a Bloggie! Please. Go on. I'll love you forever. I fully know I won't win, but a nomination will give the gay-cowboy dream a chance to live on forever.

Because I'm choice

I've stuck a picture of myself up dressed in Star Trek gears. As it happens I used to be co-pilot on the Starship Enterprise, until that bastard Spock sullied my name and ruined my reputation. Bloody Vulcan.

No much going on here. Weather is a large pile of steaming crap. Supposedly we're having some thing called "summer" here, but actually the next ice age is upon us, and the heater is on with 2 buttons, which is like the volume being on 11.

The good thing about this weather is that a) we're not finishing painting the house (which is also a bad thing) and b) I'm bored enough to start scheming up new products for my other website (I'm confident that my constant linking to my other website is keeping it high in the Google rankings. I bet the Googlebot will recognise its name and send me to the bottom of the heap again now).

And in more fascinating news, we got a toy Mini that looks like our real Mini from Farmers today, so even when we're not driving the car we can be playing with one. And that takes me nicely full circle to being the freak in the Star Trek costume again.

Blinded

Almost intrepid.

I have no glasses or contacts on, and several wines and two martinis under my belt.

And I remember, tonight's post is to boast that I managed to cook veges tonight. Day one of resolutions and SUCCESS!

Parsnip - check!
Potato - check!
Carrot - check!
Peas - check!
Lettuce (no, not coooked, dumbarse) - check!
Spinach - check!

Honestly, enough veges for 20 years.

Plus -

Pudding

Blueberries - check!
Yellow kiwifruit - check!

Not to mention juniper and whatever it is that makes vodka.

TV sensation

Last night, between partying it up and cups of tea, I was perusing the internet. I did a vanity Google search for Babylicious in NZ, and lo! My wee t-shirts featured on Good Morning, and I didn't even know. That was over a month ago and I can't find the clip.

Pretty exciting though, and I think this almost makes up for the fact I didn't get into the society pages.