Friday, September 30, 2005


I have one sleeping baby in the house. Finn is with Terry (my father), and the washing is out. The lounge is tidy. The dishes are clean. The lawn is weeded (really). I've had a coffee.

So I've got time to blog something. But I haven't got an idea. So I'm blogging nothing.

(Big echoing space)



Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Excuse me while I sell

Sorry for no interesting posting. I am madly trying to sell everything we own so that I can buy the dream dining table.

Better get back to trade me. I'm selling the baby stuff and a couple of tables and some chairs and whatever else I can lay my hands on...

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Well, I got these really u-g-l-y (they ain't got no alibi) new shoes.
The thing that us people what don't wear sporty shoes don't realise is they're very bloody comfortable. And the most genius thing, the shoelaces don't come undone. Brilliant.

I got all fitted out for them on one of those foot computer things. Why? Because I am here, in cyberspace, committing to complete the Special K Duathlon in April next year, and to achieve this I'm gonna have to at least be able to walk 5kms.

Hell, I've delivered two babies, how hard can a little jog be? (Already feeling nauseaus - I wonder if you can have gas?).

Killer dolphins

Truth is stranger than fiction.

This seems very unlikely, but hell, so do a lot of things. And it makes a pretty good read.

Also confirms why I am right to avoid swimming in the ocean.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Donohue rises again

Phil Donohue of talkshow fame, has put the wind up an american Fox tv newsman, Bill O'Reilly here.

It is a really good read for a few reasons. Firstly, because we all knew Donohue was a legend when we were supposed to be studying for exams in the 80s, secondly because he makes such reasoned argument against the "war on terror" in Iraq, and finally because he illustrates how, in many situations, less is more.

I found the site via Russell Brown.

Water-cooler gossip (updated)

So can someone please tell me who the celebrity basher is?

Martha at woosh dot co dot nz.

Thanks ever so.

Update - here is the article. Thankfully I didn't dream it. I've had a somewhat hallucinatory weekend with the fever, but I don't think in my most crazed state I could produce this.

Not much to say

I can't really look at the previous post, with the nasty "l" word in it, without still feeling a little queasy.

After a very quiet Friday night I woke up on Saturday not feeling too bad. I had a lunch date with friends at the Matterhorn. It was lovely, free of children and men, and just very chilled. The food was splendid, and I love the service there. It never fails to impress me that they memorise everyone's order.

I decided to walk to the station through town, and do a bit of people watching. Well, I tell ya, I saw Mark Sainsbury and Mark Crysell (sp?) as I left Matterhorn, Nesian Mystik were playing in Manners Mall, then I saw the Governor General, then I saw some Greens (Rod Donald was the only one whose name I could remember - is "whose" a word?), and I also saw lots of mountain runners who I am sure are super celebrities in their own countries. I really enjoyed myself, until the creeping illness crept back.

I had to make an urgent call to Glen to come an rescue me from the city. I think I might have passed out on the train, and you don't want to be doing that on any of the Hutt services...

So yesterday I spent pretty much the whole day in bed. I read all the newspaper for a change, and dozed, and did not much else. Unfortunately this was punctuated with dashes to the bathroom and feeling very poorly indeed.

Glen is absolutely shattered. Two full days of looking after the boys on his own has fair tuckered him out. I'm quietly pleased about that.

Friday, September 23, 2005


I'm not at the Matterhorn having dinner with friends as planned. I am continuing to be ill and lie on the couch.

I think it could well have something to do with a laksa I ate yesterday.

Curse you, tasty laksa.

Official Public Apology

To Ms Hubris.

I am sorry. I should never have let on.

I will buy you a cocktail. It will make you forget you ever knew who won.

And if anyone else doesn't want to know, then don't scroll down the page, IT CONTAINS A SPOILER


Well, it turns out Petone has enough celebrants. It occurs to me this is something they could tell you when they send the application forms.

We might have to shift.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

No surprise really

To all one of my readers who also watch Inxs Rockstar - we are not surprised!

And it doesn't matter that I didn't like him, because I didn't really like Inxs that much anyway.

The story is here if you're interested.


It is ironic perhaps that I am writing about all these movies, when actually I don't want to, nor am I any good. Ironic in an Alanis Morisette way (ie. not ironic at all).

Oh well, I'm going to write another non-review, because I enjoyed Kinsey so much. It was funny, the subject matter is pretty interesting, and what great acting.

I love Oliver Platt. I think he was the entire reason for watching Huff, and I've just read that he is the inspiration for Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons. He only had a small part in Kinsey, and I think he is so coooool.

I'm also a big fan of John Lithgow - although he is played pretty much daily in this house as the voice of Lord Farquaad - someone has a Shrek obsession, and it ain't me.

Peter Sarsgaard is a very attractive piece of eye candy, and also worth watching Kinsey for.

The movie is choice. I don't think I'll go on about it anymore.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Bewitched my arse

Tonight for a kindy fundraiser I went to Bewitched. I'm pleased that some of the money went to kindy, because if it hadn't I would have spent a whole evening on very silly movie. At least kindy made $8 from it.

I don't know who would like the film. Maybe Nicole Kidman and Will Farrell and Michael Caine and Shirley Maclaine.

Update: I've toned down this review. I felt like I was being a bit negative.

John Key

Shouldn't we be a bit anxious now about the next election? I was consoling myself that if Don Brash won, at least he'd stuff up and Labour would win the next election. Now I think John Key will run for PM next time, and probably win (just because people will probably go off Labour a bit by then, as they do).

So, this Labour victory may mean John Key is the next PM. May be time to do that OE finally.

Monday, September 19, 2005


Hard to imagine in this little spell of hail and gales that we're experiencing, but summer is a comin' in lude a sing cuckoo - can you tell I went to Steiner - they loved those olde songs...

Anyhoo, I've booked the ferry and we're heading down south for 10 nights over Christmas. Yayayayayayyayay. We're going to try and make it as far as the Catlins. We lost our nerve when we were down there in May with the campervan, but I think with the car and pretty open ended ferry tickets we will probably make it. I'm very excited, I must always remember to book holidays ahead so I have something to look forward to.

Back Crack and Sacks

I can't recall where I wrote about this subject before, but I was reminded of the back crack and sack thing while reading David Farrar's blog today. It made me quite relieved that the left wing hopefully will remain in the throne. Those right-wingers are by and large the most humourless commenters I have ever seen. Check out what they said to Russell Brown (my secret love).

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Conundrum du jour

Okay, help you people.

The new laptop (shall we call him Kevin) has built in WiFi, or wifi, or whatever it should properly be called. And we have Woosh. Which is (theoretically) wireless, but is in practice actually stuck very much in one place, as the signal is weak, and you have to hold you elbow just so to get a decent connection.

One of the beauties of Kevin is that I should (theoretically) be able to sit on the couch, or in bed, or on the toilet if I so desire with him. I decided what was needed was a wireless router. And Alan, I know the Apple Airport is the way I should go, but it is quite pricey, and I'm looking at solutions for under $150. So we bought something with ports and an aerial, and I can't get the bloody thing to work. The software it came with seems to be pretty pus-y, and Kevin simply won't cooperate and use all his best intuitiveness and make it work. On the upside, Dick Smith said they'd give us our money back if it doesn't work, so our spur of the moment, Sunday afternoon purchase hasn't actually set us back at all.

But I want the thing to work NOW. That way I could be multi-tasking by cooking dinner and blogging.

Whaddayareckon peeps?

Beehive cake

Beehive cake

Malo's birthday cake this year reflects the fact his birthday fell on election day.

Bit of a wobbly cake, but still tasty.

Peter Dunne-ce

Well what an exciting election. We went down and cast our votes at about 3.30pm. It is fair to say I was at that point somewhat lagered after a very nice first birthday party for my lovely son.

I thought it fairly inappropriate there was a dude sitting behind the desk with a National ribbon. Had a have been a little more sober I probably would have remembered about scrutineers and left him alone. Nevermind. I'm sure he felt important.

And what a nail-biter the election results were. Our friends came around at about 7.30, and at that point we were feeling pretty pessimistic. But what a dramatic night. Al Quaeda wanting to fly into the Sky Tower, and lots of action packed results. Rodney eh? Do you know, I like him. Not in a 'I'd vote for him' way, but in a 'I'm sure he'd be interesting to have a drink with', and frankly, I'm pretty pleased he beat the National guy.

And 'kinoath. Peter Dunne sure made himself sound like a total graceless prick, with his humourless comments about the media. And he fancies himself kingmaker, so all a bit rich talking about reporters being self-made stars. I thought he acted like a complete and utter dork. Prior to the election I was very amused to read that he'd met all his parties objectives - one of which was to keep marijuana illegal (slow clap). Wow. What a legend, it must have been real tough winning that battle.

And now he won't sit with the Greens in cabinet. I sincerely hope that Labour can form a government without him if that is the case. We can live without (another) little jumped about eejit about the place.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Car chase update

I finally got around to reading yesterdays paper just now, and the idiot bogans I saw hooning along the esplanade were caught on Majoribanks St. They started in Wainouiomata. I was a bit confused because it said they were going 120kms along the motorway, and 60 in built up areas.

I swear they were going at least a million miles an hour.

Metallica (satan fingers)


I like this picture, they're so hott with the hair. Mmmm

Last night we watched Metallica - Some Kind of Monster. It was really enjoyable.

I have never, by any stretch of the imagination, been a metaller. I do own Appetite for Destruction, but I don't think that counts. The Metallica movie was well worth a watch anyway. They were so intense, and self absorbed. It was quite fascinating. A little bit Spinal Tap, but real.

And Lars Ulrich had the most beautiful art I have ever seen. He sold most of it, but by crikey the guy had good taste. I'd love to know what he has bought since.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Photographing nature

Emily invited me to join the New Zealand Natives Group on Flickr, which is very nice, considering I haven't taken a photo of anything but my children ever.

I thought I'd better give it a go though, and you know, push my boundaries. I'm kind proud of my first picture. I don't want anyone telling me that the resolution is dicky or the mouseometer uncalibrated. I don't care, okay?

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Team Petone

Dramarama in the sleepy hollow of the Hutt today.

As myself, my kids, my friend Rachelle, and Rachelle's daughter Stella, pulled out onto the Esplanade today after kindy, we saw a police ute with its lights flashing on the beach side of the road. Hooning towards us were another three police cars with their lights flashing chasing some fucking boy racer bogan potential killer. The ute pulled out onto the Esplanade in front of the car to try and stop it - at which point it pulled up onto the footpath and passed the police ute on the inside.

I'm gagging to know what happened. We resisted the urge to follow - which was pretty easy as we would have had to do a wheelie over the median strip and probably killed someone - and we're just not quite that nosey.

Another two cop cars whistled past us. I'm guessing by the amount of them that the chase must have been underway for a while.

I hope they didn't hurt anyone. It was at about 3.30pm which is a pretty busy time of day.


Team America

I'm being a bit of a copycat, but I just wanted to say how BRILLIANT Team America - World Police is - and I wasn't pissed while watching it.

Now we have the new laptop, we can watch dvds in bed. I tell ya, life doesn't get more civilised than that. Stuff remote controls, bring the picture to me.

Anyhow, Team America was so funny that I wept in more than one part. For anyone who has watched it I'll tell you the bits I laughed, then you can tell me the bits you laughed, then we can all laugh at the memory (or look taken aback, and never respect the other for laughing at THAT bit).

There was much mirth over the surgery which left our hero with a nuggety face and whispy whiskers. There was amusement every time they asked our hero to ACT, and there was the vomit. WITV. Brilliant.

We're still getting the free dvds from dvd unlimited, and I think they're really good, prompt and they've sent heaps of new releases. Better than fatso.

Oh bliss

What a lovely day. And what a lovely day yesterday, and the day before, and what's this? The day before that too.

I have de-weeded the lawn, with the help of Finn and Scoop the Digger. I have weeded the garden. I have planted basil and tomato and parsley seeds. I have composted a new bed along the side of the house where my new seedlings will live once they appear.

I am so in love with the sun, I know global warming is terrible, and isn't all nice weather - it is actually nasty hurricanes and Petone disappearing into the harbour - but doesn't it sound nice? Perhaps we could manage global warming in some way, so that it is like this all the time. Or move to Cairns. Although Cairns has snakes. At least we haven't got snakes.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Beach train station
If you're after something to do on a sunny Sunday afternoon, you shouldn't go past the Petone train. It operates from 1-4pm all year round, weather permitting. It is $1 a ride (3 circuits!), and great fun for young and old. It is at the desirable eastern end of Petone, next to the playground at the end of the Esplanade.

Here endeth this public service announcement.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

I'll start being intelligent and interesting tomorrow

We had a very splendid day at the Petone-Moera Plunket Art Workshop. Thrilled to see many visitors, not least of them the Jems.

It was a terrific morning. It only cost a gold coin donation (plus extra if you wanted to buy your kiddie a canvas), and someone else cleaned up all the painty mess. Very civilised.
Finn painting pink at the art workshop

Also in the exciting news realm I mowed the lawns and sewed on some buttons. Does the fun never end?

Well no, because we've also loaded about 30 Cds into iTunes today, which I'm quite pleased about. Only another 200 or so to go. I'm happily listening to the Congos chirping out of the wee speakers now.

Dark horse

My friend Tinks has just admitted to having this fab blog.

He is a very clever and interesting fellow, and has inspired me to try and be a bit more clever and interesting in my blogging. Or I could just keep writing about Inxs and be done with.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Be still my beating heart

I collect beautiful handpotted Crown Lynn vases, and this one has just appeared on trademe
Crown Lynn
Isn't it lovely?

If any of you people have any of these vases in your attic. Please let me know, and I will reward you handsomely.

Inxs update

After Inxs, we thought we'd flick on Spinal Tap (borrowed on DVD from the neighbours, and apparently full of great extras).

I couldn't help thinking how much the blond guy (David?) looks like Marty from the Inxs show.

Same teeth.


I don't know who will win. I guess it won't be a girl, and I'm guessing it will be JD.

Sorry, boring post for all you non-watchers.

Hey go and watch telly

So that later, when I've had some wines and watched Inxs, you know what I'm talking about - go and turn your telly on TV3 at 7.30.

Oh, you're all out. Nevermind.

Give your support to...

Malo Party

Glen made this invitation for Malo's birthday party. Pretty nifty eh?

It was my clumsy painting to cover up our address. Glen would have made the colour at least match.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

I've got an election

I just wanted to say how much fun this election is.

There are excellent personalities, humour (Blumpsk), backstabbing, secret religious cults with half a mill to spare, bribes (bribe ME), and potential for a good outcome (to my eyes).

All up I think it is the funnest election since I started caring.

And bless David Farrar for showing me what the other lot are thinking, and his ability to say nice things about left wing amusing websites.

This blogging world has the ability to make me feel very plugged in. I like it.

I've got an election

I'm loving this election. The whole thing has everything you want from a fight. Goodies, baddies, bumbling, lies, emails, backstabbing, frontstabbing. It has promises, which is nice. All the promises in the recent past have been booooring, but this year we've got MONEY promised. Which is very nice.

I think I'm feeling a bit optimistic, as my side seem to be doing okay.

Make me an offer - a job offer

Today I'm thinking I might really like to return to the paid workforce.

These kids are being monkeys.

Someone please pay me to sit around and drink coffees and go wandering in my lunch hour and check my emails and go to meetings and wear clean clothes.


10 bullet points cont...

You know what? I don't think it is possible to do your Memoirs in 10 Bullet Points, but I'd really like to see someone else try.

I haven't even touched on anything bad, and I don't think I'm going to keep trying to do them. It is doing my head in thinking about it.

Memoirs in 10 bullet points

I have been angsting about this since I came up with the idea. Basically the problem I hit each time is that it ends up being 10 Bullet Points of Significant People. I can't get through 10 experiences that sum up my life without relating them to the people who were involved, and the bullet point principle is really a single sentence, and at the most 2 sentences.

So here is draft #1

  • My parents Pamela and Terry are, and have always been, an inspiring and supportive pair. They are energetic and always open to new ideas, and so right from the beginning they have obviously been a significant part of my life.
  • And life wouldn't be the same without my sister. She is funny and clever and completely on my wavelength, and now she has a family of her own it is exciting to be growing up together.
See? Too hard to write anything about life without including people. I'll make the next 8 bullet points as brief as I can, although of course I have to mention

  • meeting and falling in love with the clever and handsome Glen.
  • Having the beautiful babies
  • Going to univeristy and meeting lots of people and learning a little about unlocking the ole brain
  • Travelling, significant trips being a few months spent in Japan, and a few months spent in Europe
  • skiing as a child.
  • Extended family generally. I have enjoyed a large and merry Christmas every year of my life with these spectacular people.
  • Friends
I'm going to leave it here for the time being. My memoirs just seem to be a who's who in my life.

I'll try again soon.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Coke update

Well we all know that the Coke site is evil, and controls your music playing ability and all. What has now become apparent is that they don't have anything you want to hear. Bastards.

Oh well, $30 failed experiment. I learnt quite a lot by it.


We've got that free deal from DVD Unlimited at the moment, so for the next fortnight we'll be working out way through all the films we've not seeen since we cancelled out Fatso membership.

We watched Sideways last night. I loved it. I can't fault it in any way.

It had the whole wine thing going on, which I rate.

I love the chinese woman actor (if I was a better blogger I'd look up her name for you - I think it is Sandra Oh), and I loved the chaps. I can only remember Lala Haydn Church, he was fabulous.

I don't like writing reviews, nor even reading them for that matter, so I'll leave it at this...

Very highly recommended. Tonight we're watching Garden State.


I hope you all have a spare few grand, and an inclination to shop. ECC have a sale on, and by gum it is a gorgeous sight to behold.

I know you're all dying for insightful political commentary, but the best I can do today after a drool session at ECC is think about lighting and beautiful tables.

I bought a light for the kitchen, and it was $99, down from $600. Now that is a sale.

I like being a bit shallow. It allows one to shop.

Soppy mummy writing

I think one of the very best things about babies is that when you say their name, they laugh hysterically.

I spend the day saying "Maloooooooo, Malooooooo" in a dorky sing-song voice, as he crawls off into the distance at great spend. It makes him positively CHORTLE.

I wish everyone was this easily amused.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Fabulous news

Young Malo's sweat test came back at 25. This is a lovely number that indicates that he is within normal range.

So no Cystic Fibrosis today.

No answer as to why he coughs all day, but I can deal with that!
Malo the picture of good health

Monday, September 05, 2005


We just watched Closer. God, what a yawn. Jude wasn't even that hot in it. Perhaps his real life antics have tarnished his beauty. Clive Owen was good, but still, YAWN.
Jude law
I'll stick a tiny picture in of Jude looking hot anyway.

Arf arf

Perhaps the fact I like this is directly related to the fact I like swearing so much.

Or perhaps because Helen makes such a strong and reasoned point.


Make one here if you like

And no, I didn't make this one. Full credit etc. Sorry about the appearance of this, I had to resize it and it got unhappy.

Coffee Geek

I could well become a coffee geek. Check out these pours!

Now teach me sensei.


Malo had a second sweat test this morning, to see if he has Cystic Fibrosis.

We should get the results this afternoon, and we're pretty optimistic as the ones he had as a newborn were negative. He is being re-tested because he has a cough which just won't quit.

It is a bit harrowing waiting.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Glen Barrista

Glen Barrista
Glen Barrista, originally uploaded by Wanda Harland.

Which is an amusing play on Glen's name, not a spelling mistake.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

And so anyway

I keep reading these posts I've written, just thinking -' You're tired, drunk, ready for bed - just leave it", and yet, here I am, trying to make things better...

And, by the way - I want to say how creepy Don Brash is - but usually I'm too sober to bring it up.

Inxs again

I was quite shocked actually - not because it is obvious that everyone in the world has something better to do on a Thurs/Fri/Sat night than me, but because everyone hasn't realised the beauty of Inxs Rockstar thingy.

But perhaps I'm just missing the charm of NZ idol.

And my first sentence got waylaid, I was meant to be saying how surprised I am that Deanna didn't get kicked off, given my superior internet research skills.

And so anyway, how come I still have to organise something for father's day, when I've been the first one up for 3 days? What's that? I don't? I get to lie in? You realise it was all made up by Hallmark anyway.

and 10 minutes later

you're still welcome, but please don't expect a raging party, and I've started to make sense...

Oh yeh no

A variation on "yeah no yeah" , you get the "oh I've had a few wines, and have nothing to do". So, what are you doing? Because if you'd ask if I'd join you if would be totally "no yeah no'. I'm stuck at home sans husband. BORED. So if you'd like to watch INXS. Here I am. Bored.

Having read that. So oviously drunk. I've had to respell 28 times. So come to Petone for a wine. I dare you.

Bit of a fiasco - then bit of a triumph....

Well, the day started very early. For once I was relieved the kids were up before 6, because it gave us enough time to get organised. This however didn't prevent us being 25 minutes behind schedule. Nevermind, worse was to come.

Being a bit flustered, and feeling a bit embarassed about being late, we rushed to get the cart off the trailer. The cart doesn't appreciate being hurried, and decided to have a lie down - a lie down with a very loud BANG. I raced up to the kindy and grabbed the largest healthiest looking speciman I could find. He turned out to be a bit of a life saver, and as it turned out a useful bit of networking was done between him and Glen.

The coffee machine fell apart, and was dangling by its pipes and cord. The thing must weigh at least 30 kg, so I thought we were fucked. Magically it wasn't damaged.

The customers started queueing up almost straight away. To be honest a fair few were friends, which probably explains our profit not quite matching our outgoings.

I was delighted to see a few bloggers there. Emily was there with her crew, Brena showed up, which was lovely. Great to put a face to the name. And Kate came, which also was fantastic. I'm sorry if the chai was a bit sweet - I suspect I overdid the syrup, so you may have a credit next time. And Mr Reasonable, thanks for the best wishes. I think you were there in spirit!

All up we had a marvellous time, and it was a really good learning experience. I don't think we'll tip the cart over in the future, but it actually worked to dispel a bit of nervous tension.

Glen and I agreed that we loved making coffees. I was on milk duty, and somehow it all worked and all the practice obviously paid off. Perhaps I can thank the Zany Zeus organic milk - I'm told it really makes a difference.

I feel quite happy. I think it may be related to a diet of chocolate and coffee. Nirvana.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

One of those emails

You may have received the following as an email. It is really doing the rounds. One of my friends received it, and was telling her husband about it. It turns out he wrote the Hutt section - isn't that a bit crazy? Big ups to you Mark.

The full text follows. I think the Hutt part is VERY superior.

You know you live in Wellington when ...

1. You can wake up during an earthquake and think that it's just the wind that's shaking your house.

2. You can say "Wellington is full of ferries" and not be considered homophobic.

3. You can recognise half the city's population when walking down the street.

4. You can afford a $1000 suit but still flat in a house that requires 3 sets of clothing and two dehumidifiers to stay warm.

5. You see someone travelling 100kph on the motorway and you complain how fast people travel these days.

6. You walk from the Railway Station to Willis Street without ever checking for traffic.

7. "Just turn left at the first StarMart, walk down the street till you get to the third StarMart, turn right, go 3 StarMarts up and you're there."

8. Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine not turning is a newsworthy event.

9. It takes you 20 minutes to drive around the block in peak traffic due to the 'one way system'.

10. Boarding a Stagecoach bus is a hazardous activity.

11. You take a bodyguard down Courtenay Place in case you bump into a drunk politician.

12. The centre line is negotiable, especially on the Brooklyn & Hataitai hills where parked cars can take up 80% of the road.

13. You get altitude sickness going from your car to your front door.

14. You have to leave the city to do your shopping.

15. Any wind that doesn't threaten to take your roof off is just a 'bit of a breeze.'

16. You can detect 27 different shades of black suit.

17. When an earthquake hits, instead of hiding under your desk, you hold a bet with your workmates on the force, focus and epicentre.

18. When giving directions to tourists, you point up.

19. You go out for your $5 coffee with friends and complain how expensive Auckland is.

You know when you're from the Hutt when …

1. You can wake up thinking it's an earthquake but it's just a subwoofer.

2. You can say "Wellington is full of ferries" because you are homophobic.

3. You can recognise half your city's population in the drink-drive notices.

4. You can't afford a $1000 suit.

5. You see someone travelling 100kph on the motorway and drive right up their backside until you can pass them on the inside (and give them the goat sign salute).

6. You walk from the Railway Station to Willis Street because you can't afford the bus.

7. "Just turn left at the first StarMart, walk down the street till you get to the third StarMart, turn right, go 3 StarMarts and you've bought your family's shopping for the week: 18 pinky bars, 6 meat pies, 47 chuppa chups."

8. Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine is just too freaky.

9. It takes you 20 minutes to drive from Wellington to Masterton.

10. Boarding a Stagecoach bus is too complicated.

11. You take a bodyguard to the supermarket.

12. The centre line is negotiable.

13. You get morning sickness most Mondays.

14. You have to wait til the neighbours are out to do your Christmas shopping.

15. Any wind that doesn't threaten to take your roof off is just another P lab exploding.

16. You can detect 27 different shades of black jeans.

17. When an earthquake hits, instead of hiding under your desk, you hold a bet with the other people in the dole line on the force, focus and epicentre.

18. When giving directions to tourists, you point up and then try and nick their wallet while they're looking up.

19. You go out for your $5 on the pokies and complain how expensive ciggies are.

And the icing on the cake: You know when you're from Porirua when …

1. You can wake up thinking it's an earthquake but realise it's just Hemi, Junior and Rua sharing your single bed.

2. You can't say "Wellington is full of ferries" cause you've never been further than Porirua Train Station.

3. You can recognise half of Porirua city's population because they're your relations.

4. You can't afford a $1000 suit so you steal some shoes instead.

5. You've never seen the motorway because Porirua has everything you've ever needed.

6. You walk from TitahiBay to Porirua Station, hang out for a bit, then go to NorthCity? Fah! Haven't been there since yesterday.

7. "Just turn left at the first KFC? No, wait, just stop in at KFC for a feed."

8. Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine is not an option.

9. It takes you 20 minutes to drive from the mall to your house. KFC was calling your name.

10. Boarding a Stagecoach bus is betrayal to your uncle who works for Mana Coach services.

11. You never need a bodyguard because everyone you know could 'smash dem' anyway.

12. The centre line is only worth crossing if Maccas or KFC is on the other side.

13. You're only sick if you got too drunk last night.

14. Christmas shopping is not necessary, it's easier to steal from The Warehouse.

15. Wind is not a top priority for things getting ruined/stolen at your house.

16. You can detect 27 different shades of skin colour at the mall.

17. When an earthquake hits? Aw, nah, was just Hemi and them again.

18. You don't get tourists.

19. Anyone got 5 bucks for a pie, au?