Thursday, September 01, 2005

One of those emails

You may have received the following as an email. It is really doing the rounds. One of my friends received it, and was telling her husband about it. It turns out he wrote the Hutt section - isn't that a bit crazy? Big ups to you Mark.

The full text follows. I think the Hutt part is VERY superior.





You know you live in Wellington when ...

1. You can wake up during an earthquake and think that it's just the wind that's shaking your house.

2. You can say "Wellington is full of ferries" and not be considered homophobic.

3. You can recognise half the city's population when walking down the street.

4. You can afford a $1000 suit but still flat in a house that requires 3 sets of clothing and two dehumidifiers to stay warm.

5. You see someone travelling 100kph on the motorway and you complain how fast people travel these days.

6. You walk from the Railway Station to Willis Street without ever checking for traffic.

7. "Just turn left at the first StarMart, walk down the street till you get to the third StarMart, turn right, go 3 StarMarts up and you're there."

8. Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine not turning is a newsworthy event.

9. It takes you 20 minutes to drive around the block in peak traffic due to the 'one way system'.

10. Boarding a Stagecoach bus is a hazardous activity.

11. You take a bodyguard down Courtenay Place in case you bump into a drunk politician.

12. The centre line is negotiable, especially on the Brooklyn & Hataitai hills where parked cars can take up 80% of the road.

13. You get altitude sickness going from your car to your front door.

14. You have to leave the city to do your shopping.

15. Any wind that doesn't threaten to take your roof off is just a 'bit of a breeze.'

16. You can detect 27 different shades of black suit.

17. When an earthquake hits, instead of hiding under your desk, you hold a bet with your workmates on the force, focus and epicentre.

18. When giving directions to tourists, you point up.

19. You go out for your $5 coffee with friends and complain how expensive Auckland is.

You know when you're from the Hutt when …

1. You can wake up thinking it's an earthquake but it's just a subwoofer.

2. You can say "Wellington is full of ferries" because you are homophobic.

3. You can recognise half your city's population in the drink-drive notices.

4. You can't afford a $1000 suit.

5. You see someone travelling 100kph on the motorway and drive right up their backside until you can pass them on the inside (and give them the goat sign salute).

6. You walk from the Railway Station to Willis Street because you can't afford the bus.

7. "Just turn left at the first StarMart, walk down the street till you get to the third StarMart, turn right, go 3 StarMarts and you've bought your family's shopping for the week: 18 pinky bars, 6 meat pies, 47 chuppa chups."

8. Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine is just too freaky.

9. It takes you 20 minutes to drive from Wellington to Masterton.

10. Boarding a Stagecoach bus is too complicated.

11. You take a bodyguard to the supermarket.

12. The centre line is negotiable.

13. You get morning sickness most Mondays.

14. You have to wait til the neighbours are out to do your Christmas shopping.

15. Any wind that doesn't threaten to take your roof off is just another P lab exploding.

16. You can detect 27 different shades of black jeans.

17. When an earthquake hits, instead of hiding under your desk, you hold a bet with the other people in the dole line on the force, focus and epicentre.

18. When giving directions to tourists, you point up and then try and nick their wallet while they're looking up.

19. You go out for your $5 on the pokies and complain how expensive ciggies are.

And the icing on the cake: You know when you're from Porirua when …

1. You can wake up thinking it's an earthquake but realise it's just Hemi, Junior and Rua sharing your single bed.

2. You can't say "Wellington is full of ferries" cause you've never been further than Porirua Train Station.

3. You can recognise half of Porirua city's population because they're your relations.

4. You can't afford a $1000 suit so you steal some shoes instead.

5. You've never seen the motorway because Porirua has everything you've ever needed.

6. You walk from TitahiBay to Porirua Station, hang out for a bit, then go to NorthCity? Fah! Haven't been there since yesterday.

7. "Just turn left at the first KFC? No, wait, just stop in at KFC for a feed."

8. Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine is not an option.

9. It takes you 20 minutes to drive from the mall to your house. KFC was calling your name.

10. Boarding a Stagecoach bus is betrayal to your uncle who works for Mana Coach services.

11. You never need a bodyguard because everyone you know could 'smash dem' anyway.

12. The centre line is only worth crossing if Maccas or KFC is on the other side.

13. You're only sick if you got too drunk last night.

14. Christmas shopping is not necessary, it's easier to steal from The Warehouse.

15. Wind is not a top priority for things getting ruined/stolen at your house.

16. You can detect 27 different shades of skin colour at the mall.

17. When an earthquake hits? Aw, nah, was just Hemi and them again.

18. You don't get tourists.

19. Anyone got 5 bucks for a pie, au?

5 comments:

Mike said...

Perpetuate those stereotypes - on ya :-)

David said...

I think the Hutt section is referring more my end than yours. Which is the posh end, admit it!

Martha said...

Ha! A real estate sign down the road referred to my end as the "desirable eastern end" of Petone. I wonder what makes it desirable - the Exide factory? Or the council flats?

Violet said...

I don't know about Porirua, but the Welligton and Hutt Valley points were bang on!

Anonymous said...

Well I'm from P-Town and I'd like to refute #3. I'm only related to 30% of the population. The rest of the facts are largely true.