American Idol

I'm so high-brow. Especially if you compare me to someone who enjoys Home and Away. In fact, only if you compare me to someone who watches Home and Away. I've got bloody suckered into watching American Idol.

Instead of listening to Kenneth Branagh read Hamlet on talking books while I cook dinner, I have the telly on to the evil that is American Idol, and frankly, I'm loving it.

Every time Paula opens her mouth she says something lascivious about one of the boy singers, and I wonder who she'll shag. Every time I see Ace doing his Blue Steel look I feel a little nauseaus. Every time Randy dogs it up I quietly wish him silent so that it will be Simon's turn to tell it like it is.

How has this happened? I've avoided every previous series. I didn't give a shit whether Clay or Ruben won. I still don't care if Clay is gay or not. Well, I don't mind if he is gay or not.

I am determined to seriously avoid the New Zealand series. All the choir kids that the programme coughs up don't really inspire.

And any moment I'll become too cultured for the telly anyway.